and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
