I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
