Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
