My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Randomize
