So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
