sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Did I show you my penis last night?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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