you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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