yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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