so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
