I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
