i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
