Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
