you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
