we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
