I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
