But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
