She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
