THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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