her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
