Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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