My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
