i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
