My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
