I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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