and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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