So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
