got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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