I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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