My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
