I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
