But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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