Where is the hickey?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
