You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
