The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
