FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
