I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You can't special order awesome
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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