the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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