I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
