This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
