She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
