Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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