when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
