I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
