I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
