Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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