Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
