No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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