hell yes lets make some ravioli
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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