just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
