Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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