I hate your face
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
